Someone stop me, I’ve played Primal Carnage

How do you summarize a game like Primal Carnage? It’s like a chipped diamond; no matter how pretty the diamond is, there’s still that chip in it that completely offsets its beauty. This game is like that diamond, if that diamond was actually coal. HAH GET IT? COAL? DINOSAman fuck you guys I’m funny.

The game itself is just a Team Dino-Deathmatch sort of thing between humans and dinosaurs, if you don’t know. Each team has 5 separate classes, and there aren’t progression perks or anything like that. You have a stock loadout with no customization at all.

Let’s touch on those classes, because the team synergy, or lack thereof, is where this game SHOULD shine.

The humans’ classes in this are about as barebones as you could possibly imagine: think stripped-down Team Fortress 2, with a sniper, assault, shotgunner, pyro, and support class. For the sake of brevity, everything is exactly how you’d imagine except the support (or “Trapper”), who has a netgun that kills small dinosaurs in one hit, and disables certain attacks on large dinosaurs (it wraps around their face, disallowing bite attacks).

The dinosaurs is where this game could actually be redeemed. You have T-Rexes, raptors, pterodactyls, that dinosaur that spat stuff in Jurassic Park and pissed all your white friends off (it still spits, which I count as a great success), and some head-rammy dinosaur that isn’t Sarah from the Land Before Time (I know literally nothing about dinosaurs, much to the disavail of literally every young male I know). Each dinosaur has its own mobility options and far-differing playstyle, and they have to play literally exactly how you’d imagine them to play.

Jesus Christ, this entry is as boring as the game.

There are a lot of issues with this game. Dumb shit. Shit that doesn’t make sense. Lemme break this down for you:

IS IT SO HARD TO PROOFREAD

IS IT SO HARD TO PROOFREAD

I managed to turn down my settings low enough to completely eliminate foliage from the stages, which was hilarious, because one of the prime points of the game is hiding in a bush as a velociraptor to surprise people with your dino-dong. So yeah. Saw this dude just chillin’, crouched in the middle of the fucking stage. Came up behind him and touched his butt. I shit you not, this is what ensued:

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU SEE ME?”
“What?”
“YOU HACKING WTF”
“The fuck you mean? You were just SITTING THERE”
“Yea in this bush”
oops

So, yeah, I accidentally broke the game.

Other things setting the visuals down breaks: the spittasaurus’ spit is “blinding,” which just musses up your screen and makes you feel vomity, but if you set the visuals lower, it only affects the outer edge of the screen, like someone rubbed a purple vignette effect on your screen. Low graphics op.

One of the more fun-breaking issues with the game is the server browser, which is weird to complain about, but if you refresh or close out of it, you won’t be able to find servers until you restart the game. We get it, nVidia, you sponsored it. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT NORMALIZING YOUR SOUND FUCKING AAAAA

Overall, the game looks like it could be a lot of fun with friends. The classes sort of compound each other, but it’s hard to collaborate when you spawn so irregularly. I popped up right in front of a T-Rex earlier, and got trampled. Speaking of, the trample hitbox is much larger than the T-Rex, which wouldn’t be an issue, but on smaller servers, it’s all but impossible to kill one. It took around seven people to see one taken down, and there’s always the option to just RUN THEM ALL DOWN ARE YOU SERIOUS.

And it’s just so BORING. The matches are around 20 minutes long, and you spend that entire time running around trying to touch butts. The music in the stages are like 30-second loops, and are loud enough so you eventually hate yourself just by hearing it. I couldn’t find any built-in VoIP, and I think the game would be much better if teamwork was rewarded a little more somehow, or maybe you’d know where you’d spawn. Less Call of Duty, more Battlefield (personal preference, though).

And as long as I’m making big deals out of dumb things, let’s talk about how the humans are all extremely trope-y. There’s a black dude with a machine gun, a fat white guy with a flame thrower, a blonde girl scientist, and a native American with a shotgun. Seriously?

 

Like, points for what they tried to do, but I can’t, for the life of me, wrap my head around this game. It’s exhilarating to play a raptor, and to pick people off, but it’s beyond exhausting to do anything else for me. Maybe I’m just bad. Who knows? I’d be much more inclined to play (and, hell, maybe even buy) this game, but I think that $15 is just $10 too much. Play at your own risk, I guess.

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